The 11 Rules of Engagement for Marital Conflict

Last year, my wife and I were privileged to be a part of the Win-Win Marriage Course that Dr. Emerson Eggerichs provides. His books and teachings have benefited many couples through the years. One of the things we gleaned from the time spent with him and his team was the 11 rules of engagement when managing conflict within a marriage. Honestly, I believe that these guidelines are applicable in managing and resolving any (not just marital) conflict! As you read the list, ask yourself: “How could these principles assist me in my relationships?” Then, follow them! I know it will make a difference in the conflicts in your life.

The 11 Rules of Engagement for Marital Conflict

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

1. No Name-calling. This will only serve to get off topic and detract from the matter at hand.
2. No “D” Word. Never threaten divorce as it will ignite fear of abandonment.
3. No Backbiting. Sharing specifics of marital conflict with parents or friends will only serve to undermine the spouse’s reputation.
4. No Kitchen-Sinking. Throwing in everything from the past shames the other and sidetracks from the present issue.
5. No Attacking an Unrelated Weak Spot They are Working On. This betrays you as shaming, cruel, and off-topic, and inflicts excruciating pain.
6. No Ambushing. Surprising your spouse with an unexpected attack shocks and overwhelms them emotionally, usually initiating a huge fight.
7. No Uproar in Front of Kids or Public. This reveals you to be clueless to the toxic fall-out from this social disgrace.
8. Dispassionately describe your feelings, don’t dramatically display them. (Being out-of-control emotionally suggests the problem isn’t the problem but you are.
9. Hone the tone to sound loving and respectful. The desired foundation of many marriages is love and respect, but those are not always communicated in times of conflict.
10. Take a time-out. Escalating the conflict to the point of irrationality helps no one.
11. Take a Re-Take or Do a Do-Over. Calmly retrace your steps and start again if the argument is going nowhere.

What do you think? Which one jumps out as most applicable and essential for you at this moment?

For more insight into Win-Win Marriages or to purchase excellent materials, visit Dr. Eggerichs’ Love and Respect site.